


I Can Help You

by gtfomyufo



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, F/M, Kaz POV, PTSD, Soulmate AU, Touch Aversion, mentions of their tragic backstories, set at different points during the series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 10:31:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17323337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gtfomyufo/pseuds/gtfomyufo
Summary: Soulmate au- the first words spoken to Kaz by his soulmate are marked on his body. Like with many things that involve emotional sensitivity, Kaz struggles.





	I Can Help You

“I can help you.”

These were the words that were written on Kaz Brekker's left wrist. They were, supposedly, the first words his soulmate would ever speak to him. 

When he was a little boy, he wondered what they meant.  _ I can help you. _ It implied danger. What would he need help with? Maybe he would be ambushed by bandits, and his soulmate would come daringly to his rescue. Maybe he'd be sick, and he'd fall in love with a Grisha healer. Maybe they'd just see him struggling with a math problem or something, he didn't know. He liked to think the last one was the least likely. He was very good at solving problems.

~

There were quite a few times in Kaz's life when he really could've used some help. At his lowest moment, dying on the streets of Ketterdam, fever high and too weak to move, Kaz wished his soulmate would come to his rescue. If ever he needed help, this was the time. The body men lifted him up and threw him into the boat with his brother's corpse. He called out, weak and quiet. He wished his soulmate could hear him. The words on his wrist circled furiously around his fever-addled brain.  _ I can help you. I can help you _ .  _ I can help you. _ But the help never came.

Once the fever broke, once he had made it back to the streets of Ketterdam, freezing and wet, having let go of his brother for the last time, Kaz decided he no longer wanted to meet his soulmate. He didn't  _ want _ their help, it was meaningless. They weren't there for him when he needed them the most, so what good could their help really be?

~

A man without his soulmate could be ruthless. Kaz had abandoned true love before he'd ever experienced it, and it showed. He was feared, and detested. But that was the way he liked it. It kept him safe, dissuaded people from crossing him, from touching him.

After his brother died, and he lived, he felt repulsed by the touch of another human's skin. He thought because of this that he wouldn't be able to give his soulmate what they wanted. Not only did his gloves help him avoid skin-to-skin contact, from being dragged down once more by stiff, diseased hands into the icy waters of the harbour, or below a sea of corpses in the boat, the gloves stopped him from having to look at the words on his wrist, from resenting the help that never came. 

Some people hid their soul marks to stop others from being able to see their words before they said anything, to cheat the system. A person wearing gloves every hour of every day wasn't  _ that _ unusual. But that didn't stop the rumours. Kaz Brekker had a reputation, and people speculated that his reasons for wearing gloves were much more sinister than hiding his soul mark. He didn't mind the rumours. On some level, he enjoyed them. They made him seem powerful. To be feared in the barrel was to be safe. They cloaked his biggest weakness and made it into a strength. He was grateful for that.

~

When he finally heard the words he was born with aloud, it was unexpected. He'd just finished paying Heleen Van Houden for information, and a Suli girl around his age snuck up behind him. The only announcement of her presence was her whispered words, “I can help you.”

He paused, surprised. No one can sneak up on him. He's Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, Bastard of the Barrel, and yet… there she was. With bells on her ankles, no less. He was impressed, but unswayed. He'd vowed to himself long ago that he would ignore his soulmate when he met them. She would only be a weakness his enemies could exploit.

He said nothing, and walked away. 

~

He couldn't sleep that night. He'd done a great many horrible things in his short life, but nothing had kept him awake the way ignoring his soulmate had. Curiosity got the better of him. The girl had managed to sneak up on him. She could be dangerous if she received the right training. She could be a great asset to the Dregs. He reasoned to himself that even without her being his soulmate, she would have intrigued him. Ignoring her because of some stupid words on his wrist was ridiculous. He didn't want to be on the wrong side of that girl's stealth when she learned to use it to her advantage, so he convinced Per Haskell to pay off her indenture.

~

When he returned to the Menagerie the next day, he spoke to Heleen about Per Haskell's offer, and the girl was called in. Apparently her name was Inej Gafa and for a long time, Kaz didn't say a word to her. He didn't want to reveal himself just yet

When he finally spoke, he decided to keep it straight to the point. This was business, after all. He couldn't help but look her in the eyes as he said, “Per Haskell runs the Dregs. You've heard of us?”

“They're your gang,” she responded, and if his words had meant anything to her beyond the obvious, her face didn't betray it. Either she was better suited to the gang lifestyle than he originally estimated, or he wasn't her soulmate. Some part of him hoped it was the latter, because that would get him off the hook.

~

Years passed, he helped train Inej in the violent ways of the barrel, and she became the Wraith, his spider. If he allowed himself to admit it, she became his best friend. He let his guard down around her more than anyone else. She never spoke about her soul mark and he never saw it. Despite himself, he wondered. Was he really not her soulmate? Was she like him, deciding she would better off without one? Would it be awkward to bring it up this late in the game? Did she even remember what she said that night?

He decided to start testing how far he could go without her mentioning it. He took his gloves off while she was in the room. She didn't mention it. Perhaps afraid she'd spook him if she asked about the gloves. No claws, only one small scar, and his soul mark. She probably assumed that last one must have been the reason, it was still better than the truth. She was still too far away to read the inscription.

He kept doing it, he never let her get close enough to read the words, but he did other things. He took his shirt off. He washed himself in front of her, remaining casual the whole time as if he didn't even notice how intimate that was. Would she notice him? Did she think he was attractive?  _ Why did he even care? _

He looked over his shoulder and she quickly looked away and swallowed. She definitely noticed.

~

At the beginning of their Ice Court job, before they'd even left Ketterdam, Inej was injured.  _ Badly _ . Kaz was enraged, hurt,  _ worried _ in a way he didn't remember feeling for anyone since his brother. Without even thinking about it, he picked her up. He fought a wave of nausea at the contact between them, but refused to put her down.

“I can help you,” she said. 

So she did remember. Or was it something else? Was this really the time to bring this up? He played dumb. “Help me with what?” He waited. No response. He needed to keep her conscious. “Talk to me, Wraith.”

“You came back for me.”

Did she mean now, or before? He was going to continue to assume she meant now. All he could bring himself to say was, “I protect my investments.”

“I'm glad I'm bleeding all over your shirt.”

So she was still conscious enough for humour. “I'll put it on your tab,” he shot back.

Her face suddenly seemed determined. “Say you're sorry.”

He faltered. “Sorry for what?” For not telling her about his soul mark? For letting her get hurt? For the things he said earlier about getting a new spider? He could never replace her. He didn't know how to say it.

“Just say it.”

He felt his heart jump through his throat. He never apologized. This might be the last chance he got. “I'm sorry,” he said, voice croakier than usual. She wasn't even awake enough to hear it.

~

He killed the man who made him worry he'd never get another chance. He hoped the others didn't realise Inej was becoming his weakness. He had too many of those already.

They didn't discuss it after she woke up. He didn't avoid her per se. but he also didn't seek her out. He didn't know how to approach her. He didn't have anything to say. When finally they did speak, it was business. Then he told her about his brother. He didn't know why. Maybe he was falling for her, after all he'd tried to avoid it. Maybe he wanted to be close to her in ways that weren't physical. She knew too much, and he was almost glad when she said she was leaving Ketterdam after the job. She deserved to be free without him, and he would be free of the distraction. One less weakness, he thought. He wished he didn't feel a pang in his heart thinking about it, but the pang only served to remind him why it was necessary.

~

After they broke out of jail, Inej gave him his gloves. She'd noticed he passed out in the prison cart, which meant she knew why he needed them. Every new day that passed it seemed to him like she knew more about him, more things that nobody else in the world knew. She was his spider, she collected secrets. He should be concerned by this but somehow, he knew she wouldn't use them against him. As she passed him his gloves, he saw her eyes catch on his soul mark. It was hard not to read it up this close, as obvious as it stood out against his pale skin. She gasped, and looked up at him. He looked back. They knew they didn't have time for this.

“Inej,” he started. This may be the last thing he ever said to her. He didn't know what he was saying. “If we don't make it out, I want you to know…” he trailed off. What? That he cared for her? He was thankful for the gloves? He was sorry, for whatever it was she wanted him to apologize for? He didn't know, maybe all of them.

She waited for him to continue, but he couldn't. She touched his face, softly. Then it was no longer her hand. It was cold, wet. Dead. He tried to pull back into himself. He didn't pull away, as much as he wanted to, he couldn't. He needed her to know he trusted her. She broke the silence, “If we don’t survive this night, I will die unafraid, Kaz. Can you say the same?”

The words pulled him closer to the rooftop, further away from the harbour, from drowning. It was a reminder that there were bigger things than this, right now. The touch was an acknowledgement the she knew, about the mark, whatever it was he was going to say. Maybe more. She pulled away and he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. She didn't say they would talk about it later, because there might not be one. He decided he wouldn't die afraid either. He refused. He'd die with the knowledge that she knew. He still didn't know if he was  _ her _ soulmate, but he was okay with that. She deserved better than him. Someone who knew how to say the things she meant to them. Someone who she could touch. They didn't say goodbye, and he was glad. He hated goodbyes. 

~

It wasn't until much later, when they'd broken Inej out of Van Eck's captivity, and they'd failed their second attempt at getting Van Eck's money when it was brought up again. They were alone together in the bathroom of Jesper's dad's hotel room, and Inej needed help changing her makeshift bandages. He was attempting, sans gloves, to remove her bandages and replace them. He wanted to overcome this. He wanted to be good for her. But all he knew was how to be very, very, bad.

He was steeling himself for the second bandage when she spoke, clearly looking at the words on his wrist laid bare. “I don't know what mine was.”

He looked up, distracted from the task at hand. “Was?”

“Was.” She paused, readying herself for an explanation. “At the menagerie... Heleen took them from us.”

Kaz felt himself grow angry on her behalf. He didn't believe in Saints, or prayer, or gods, but he did believe in soul marks. To take someone's away from them was wrong, more horrible than anything he'd ever done, and he had done a lot of horrible things. “She cant-” he started, but she cut him off.

“She did. I don't know what it said, it was in Kerch. I didn't know how to read it back then, and by the time I did it was too late. She took them because she thought we belonged to her. She didn't want the men who came in to believe we were destined for anyone else. For the night, we belonged to them, and they could do whatever they wanted with us. She took our marks and replaced them with her awful peacock feather instead.”

“I don't know what to say,” he said, helpless. He wasn't good at any of this. He wanted to be better.

She gave him a sad smile and said, “Then don't say anything.” She didn't seem disappointed in him. She knew he was bad with words, kind words at any rate. She nodded back towards the bandages. “Go on," she said softly. He tried again to replace her bandages.

They would never know if their souls were a match, but that was okay. He loved her, and he would do anything to make her happy, even if that happiness led her away from him. 

He would buy her a boat, he decided in that moment. Then she would be happy. She could get revenge, for herself and for all the others taken by slavers, stripped of their marks, their humanity. Then she would know she didn't owe him to stay. He would learn to make do without her, but only if he had to. He really hoped he didn't have to.


End file.
